If I Ever Become a Vampire ...

  • I shall wear tweed, and cheerful bright clothing. Further, I shall only wear trenchcoats if it is raining or foggy.
  • I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.
  • I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my story with any reporter or struggling writer.
  • I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or motorcycle. An economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4 wheel drive will be just fine.
  • I will immediately become Agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding religious maniacs.
  • I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, that's the first place people look.
  • I shall immediately purchase a Hooked on Phonics tape, in order to lose any Romanian accents I may have.
  • My ghouls shall have good posture.
  • I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and other inconveniences.
  • If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of eternity with, I shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not larger than I am.
  • If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will not change into a giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, I shall call the police and have them arrested for trespassing.
  • If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, I shall not attempt to kill them all. I will simply move, and leave no forwarding address.
  • There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human being for a fifteen-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I shall refrain from such transformations in public.
  • Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep company with them whatsoever.
  • I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal killing machine, doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me, they probably are too.


Submitted by: z66jmg@morgan.ucs.mun.ca

Fanged Films

France, 1928

Hong Kong, 2008
The Vampire Who Admires Me

From the Library

As the 20th century evolved, rational man turned to science to explain mythology that had pervaded for thousands of years. How could a man be mistaken for a vampire? How could someone appear to have been the victim of a vampire attack? Science, in time, came back with answers that may surprise you.Anemia
A million fancies strike you when you hear the name: Nosferatu!N O S F E R A T Udoes not die!What do you expect of the first showing of this great work?Aren't you afraid? - Men must die. But legend has it that a vampire, Nosferatu, 'der Untote' (the Undead), lives on men's blood! You want to see a symphony of horror? You may expect more. Be careful. Nosferatu is not just fun, not something to be taken lightly. Once more: beware.- Publicity for Nosferatu in the German magazine Buhne und Film, 1922  

Drawn to Vamps?

Vol. 2 No. 180
The House of Dracula
Vol. 1 No. 210
The Morning After